I didnt watch the VMAs. I was too busy at Afropunk eating non paleo cheese steaks from Phil’s Steak Trucks (very awesome by the way). Our friends at Very Smart Brothas’ wrote a pretty great recap.
Welcome, everyone, to this year’s VMA recap. My name is Damon Young, and I will be your host for the evening. And, by “My name is Damon Young, and I will be your host for the evening.” I mean “The only reason why I watched every minute of this shit was to recap it for you ungrateful bastards. I hate you all.”
Without further ado…
9:01: We start the festivities with a vision of Lady Gaga that will definitely give me at least five nightmares over the next two weeks. Whenever I watch her perform, I feel like I haven’t evolved enough yet to understand it.
I will say, though, that it did kinda seem like her opening was throwing a bit of shade at the rest of the pop diva collective, including Beyonce. Who’d win in a deathmatch between the Beyhive and the Little Monsters? God. And lacefront.
9:10: New Yorkers: “Wow. I can’t believe how surreal it is to have the VMAs in Brooklyn this year.” Rest of the world: “Shut the f*ck up, New Yorkers.”
9:12: After getting over the shock that The Weeknd is just one person, it started to dawn on me that the VMAs were just one big ass metaphor for cultural appropriation.
1. They’re taking place in Brooklyn, the gentrification capital of the world.
2. They prominently feature Justin Timberlake (a man who, well…more on that later), Robin Thicke (a man whose biggest hit is a blatant—and possibly illegal—ripoff of a soul icon’s song), Macklemore (more on him later), and Miley Cyrus: aka The White, Ass-Less, Twerker (T.W.A.T. for short).
9:20: During the Thicke/T.W.A.T. performance, the camera pans on Rihanna making a face that can best be described as “the face you make when one person is making a terrible argument and you’re just waiting for them to finish” combined with “the face dog owners make when trying to determine if that new smell is a dog burp or a dog fart.”
T.W.A.T. also cements her status as the first person to officially be “post-appropriation.”
9:30: It has officially reached the point where Lil Kim has become impervious to snark. There’s absolutely nothing funny you could say about her that wouldn’t be equally sad, so you just acknowledge she exists, shake your head, and send some more flowers to Lil Cease’s grave.
Go ahead and read the rest of the recap over at their site. Its a 10 minute read much more worthwhile then spending 3+ hours re watching the VMAs.